🚨 Nocoiner Alert 🚨

We're All
Gonna Make It.
You're Not.

Have Fun Staying Poor.

Swan Private pairs you with a Bitcoin chad who will tell it like it is. Your bonds are going to zero. Your gold is heavy and dumb. Your altcoins are exit liquidity. There is no second-best.

Stack Sats or Stay Poor → *Past performance isn't financial advice. But seriously, buy Bitcoin.
Your Bitcoin Maxi Dream Team
Kevin Hollingsworth
Kevin Hollingsworth
Top Bitcoin Chad
John Haar
John Haar
Chief NGMI Officer
Matthew Gillette
Matthew Gillette
Head of Orange Pilling
Isaiah Douglass
Isaiah Douglass
Director of HFSP Awareness
Jason Bassett
Jason Bassett
Senior Nocoiner Educator
Alec Bakouche
Alec Bakouche
VP of 21 Million Only
🎬 Required Viewing for Nocoiners

This Is Why Your Portfolio
Is Down Bad

Watch this before your next altcoin purchase. We're begging you.

The Only Numbers That Matter

21M
Maximum Bitcoin Supply. Ever.
No, they will not "make more"
0
Number of Altcoins You Need
Yes, including that one
∞
Dollar Printing Since 1971
WTF happened?

Words to Live By

"Have Fun Staying Poor."
A warm, friendly greeting exchanged between Bitcoiners and everyone else.
"Not Your Keys, Not Your Coins."
We said what we said. Move your Bitcoin off that exchange, fren.
"1 BTC = 1 BTC."
Profound. Immutable. The only math that matters. Sleep well tonight.
"NGMI."
Not Gonna Make It. Reserved exclusively for ETH holders and people who sold in 2017.
"Laser Eyes Until $1M."
A sacred ritual. The profile pic update that has never once moved the market, and yet.
"Stack Sats. Stay Humble."
Accumulate Bitcoin. Be humble about it... until price goes up. Then tweet constantly.
The Chads Behind the Operation

Your Dedicated Bitcoin Maximalists

Kevin Hollingsworth
Kevin Hollingsworth
formerly: VP, Head of Private Wealth
🏆 Top Bitcoin Chad
John Haar
John Haar
formerly: Managing Director
📉 Chief NGMI Officer
Matthew Gillette
Matthew Gillette
formerly: Managing Director
🍊 Head of Orange Pilling
Isaiah Douglass
Isaiah Douglass
formerly: Managing Director
😂 Director of HFSP Awareness
Jason Bassett
Jason Bassett
formerly: Account Executive
🧠 Senior Nocoiner Educator
Alec Bakouche
Alec Bakouche
formerly: Account Executive
🔢 VP of 21 Million Only
"It's going up forever, Laura."

— Every Bitcoin maximalist, ever. And also, probably, correct.

Stop Being Poor.
Start Stacking Sats.

The hardest money ever created is waiting. Your fiat is not going to fix itself.

Get Orange Pilled →

Not financial advice. This is a joke page. Swan Bitcoin is a real, serious company and these are real, serious people who are very good at their jobs. Please don't sue us. HFSP.